


marry a fool

by iwritetrash



Series: all that lives must die [5]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: (i got a little carried away with her character oops), Angst, Cecelia's POV, Child death (mentioned), F/M, M/M, Maria is an awesome big sister, Marriage, Marriage of Convenience, Miscarriage (Mentioned), Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, Period-Typical Underage, Pregnancy, Unrequited Love, so many book references bc i decided cecelia and alfred are both book nerds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 11:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13317462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool,for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them





	marry a fool

**Author's Note:**

> i want to stick a big warning here that says Cecelia is VERY YOUNG in this when she marries Alfred and has kids with him, bc i've based this on their actual ages and she was only 18 when they got married irl, so if you aren't comfortable with that then this might not be right for you. i'm not condoning that kind of thing, especially with a 13 year age gap, but i wanted to keep it historically accurate.
> 
> there's also a couple other things which are referenced like miscarriage/death of a child, please be aware that those are mentioned in this fic. they aren't described in great detail, but they do take place.
> 
> so yeah, please just bear that in mind and don't read it if you have issues with that kind of thing.

When Cecelia is 7 years old, her eldest sister comes home from balls in the small hours of the morning, having danced until her feet were sore, and charmed every man in the room. Maria is ten years older than her, and is already searching for a husband who will care for her when their father dies.

Their mother left hardly a year after Cecelia was born, and has since remarried and produced a large number of half-siblings, leaving Cecelia and Maria as the two sole heirs to their father’s fortune. But Cecelia is too young to care for such things. 

She would much rather hear her sister’s tales of handsome foreign princes and candlelit waltzes and whirlwind romances, as Maria, slightly giddy and still dressed up in her fancy gown, climbs into her bed and recounts every detail of the evening.

~

At ten years old, Cecelia has already become quite the bookworm. Her tutors despair of teaching her to play piano, or to embroider pretty patterns, and yet she spends hours with her nose in a book, reading stories of far off lands, and heroic princes who save damsels in distress.

She learns foreign languages with surprising speed, so that, once she has finished reading all the English books in their small library, she begins to read the ones in French. Her father laughs as her tutors complain about her refusal to attend lessons in the ‘maidenly arts’, while her sister simply muses that perhaps it will come with age.

~

It does not come with age.

When Cecelia turns 14, Maria warns her that she may soon have to enter into the market for a husband, after all their mother had already given birth to her at Cecelia’s age. That certainly gets Cecelia excited. She begins to fantasise about a handsome prince coming to sweep her off her feet and carry her to a far-away country where they will have wild adventures.

Maria shakes her head and smiles, and Cecelia is too young and naïve to notice that sadness hidden there.

When she is older, she will look back and realise that Maria was already 24 and still unmarried, even as her sister, ten years her junior, began to prepare for her grand debut in the world of romance.

~

Cecelia mustn’t eavesdrop, she knows that, but when Maria and her father have seemingly incredibly important conversations behind closed doors, it is impossible not to be curious, for perhaps Maria has met a man she wants to marry and is persuading father of his worth, or perhaps she is planning some clever surprise for Cecelia. Unfortunately, when she listens, ear pressed to the door of her father’s office, she finds the conversation is not what she expected.

They are discussing the death of a politician, who seems to have been engaged to one of Maria’s friends, from the sounds of things. Maria wishes to pay her a visit, and perhaps stay for a few days, to offer her condolences.

It is all rather boring, Cecelia thinks.

~ 

Cecelia goes to her first ball when she is 15, chaperoned by her sister, and only permitted to dance with men Maria has introduced her to. _Respectable men_ , her father says, giving Maria a warning look. Cecelia is not yet familiar with the ways of men. She will soon learn.

The ball is everything she might have hoped, complete with flickering candlelight and handsome young men. Maria is used to these occasions, and she barely spares a glance for the men around the edges of the room, inspecting the new arrivals, making her way instead to the group of ladies gathered in their own corner, sipping at glasses of champagne.  

Maria introduces Cecelia to the ladies, before settling easily into conversation. It is quite impossible to keep up, and Cecelia is surprised that so few people are dancing at the moment, but there is nothing she can do. Instead, she must listen to her sister make endless conversation with the other ladies.

_Oh, Harriet, it’s so wonderful to see you out again! Are you back at court now?_

_Wilhelmina, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Tell me, is Florence quite alright? I’ve been meaning to visit again but I’ve been so busy as of late!_

_Tell me, is Lord Alfred here? I’d like to introduce him to Cecelia, he’s quite the gentleman after all._

It seems an age before a small group of young men join the group of ladies, led by a man with golden hair, dressed in dark clothes. He really is quite handsome, Cecelia thinks.

Maria seems overjoyed to see him, and introduces Cecelia to him right away, practically insisting that he dance with her. _Lord Alfred_ , Maria tells her, _Chief Equerry and Clerk Marshall to the Queen herself_.

She dances with Lord Alfred twice over the course of the evening, and finds him unbelievably charming. He makes her laugh with ease, and keeps conversation flowing easily between them. He is no prince, of course, and yet her other dancing partners pale in comparison to him.

When Cecelia and Maria finally arrive home, they both climb into Cecelia’s bed like they used to all those years ago, and Maria tells her she has not seen Lord Alfred so animated in a long time. 

_He lost a dear friend a year or so ago, and I do believe he has never quite recovered_ , she tells Cecelia. There is something odd, almost unreadable in Maria’s eyes when she admits that, as though there is some grand secret she is holding back.

~

Cecelia attends more balls, and finds herself quite taken with Lord Alfred, and his startling charisma. Maria teases her for having given her heart to the first man she danced with, and yet Cecelia cannot bring herself to care for her sister’s teasing. She does not see the heartbreak hidden in Maria’s eyes when she watches her little sister dance with Lord Alfred.

~

It is late, one evening after yet another ball, that Cecelia dares to ask Maria why she has never married. It is no secret that she must marry soon if she intends to at all – 25 is already rather old for a bride – and she has the pick of the bunch. Every man at every ball is desperate to woo her, and yet she has never entertained a courtship for longer than a month.

Maria cannot look at her sister when she tells her there is already a man to whom she has given her heart, but that he has not given his own in return. Cecelia is still too new to these games of love to recognise the sadness her sister truly feels. It is not rejection, but sacrifice.

~

Lord Alfred pays many a visit to Cecelia once she turns 16. He is easy mannered, and he delights in discussing the many books she has read. They spend hours walking in the gardens, with Maria as their chaperone, talking of the works of Charles Dickens, and Edgar Allen Poe, and Jane Austen until they are obliged to return to the house for tea.

Every night, after he leaves, Cecelia falls onto her bed with breathless smiles and tells Maria everything about their day, how his hand had brushed hers as they walked side by side, how he had complimented the colour of her dress – a dark burgundy she had borrowed from Maria – and the way it brought out her eyes, how he had smiled when she began to recite lines from _The Raven_ … 

Maria listened attentively to every single detail, then warned her sister not to grow too attached too quickly. Men can be so fickle.

~

One winter morning, as they sit in a small living room, with Maria playing the piano behind them, Cecelia enquires as to whether or not Alfred has read _The Iliad_.

It is as though some door swings shut in his brain, his entire body seeming to curl into itself as though he has been punched. He leaves shortly after.

Maria wipes Cecelia’s tears that evening, and tells her that she did nothing wrong, that she suspects _The Iliad_ simply brings some bad memories back, and that she is certain Alfred will be back to normal by the next day.

~

Alfred does not return for a week, but when he does it is as though nothing has changed.

Cecelia does not mention _The Iliad_ again.

~

Maria gets engaged to a man Cecelia has heard almost nothing about, a baron no less, that same winter. She supposes she has been far too wrapped up in her courtship with Alfred to realise that her sister has also been courting someone. 

That night, Maria whispers to Cecelia in the dark that she does not love him, but she is getting too old to hope for a marriage of love, and besides, she gave up her heart a long time ago. She still won’t tell Cecelia who to, though. It’s for the best, really. 

~ 

Alfred proposes hardly a week after that, and they set a date for the summer. Cecelia’s father objects at first, after all she is not even 18 yet, but Cecelia persuades him that she is quite certain of her choice, and Maria assures him that Alfred is a perfectly respectable man, even if he is thirteen years Cecelia’s senior. 

Everything is absolutely perfect. Until it isn’t.

~

Married life is not nearly as exciting as Cecelia had expected. Since there is no need for Alfred to court her, she finds that they hardly speak anymore. He is always busy at the palace these days, supposedly making up for his neglected duties while he was courting her, and when they lay together it is almost as if he is struggling. But perhaps that is perfectly normal.

Regardless, it is hardly the life she had imagined. There are no grand adventures, or great romantic gestures. Perhaps this is why novels rarely bother to discuss life _after_ marriage. 

While Alfred is away she finds there is very little for her to do. The household staff manage the home rather well and leaver her with little to do beyond reading, embroidering, playing the piano, and hosting whatever guests her husband might choose to entertain that evening. It is all really rather tedious.

~

She finds herself with child hardly three months into their marriage, and Alfred seems overjoyed at the prospect. He also seems relieved, for reasons Cecelia has yet to come to understand.

Cecelia herself is terrified. She is only just eighteen, and hardly of age to be carrying children, let alone mothering them. Perhaps she ought to have considered such things before she rushed into a marriage, but now she finds it is too late. Maria is of some help, when Cecelia pays her a visit and admits how terrified she is, but Maria has not yet had her own child, and so, for the first time in Cecelia’s life, she finds her older sister is quite unable to advise her.

It is at times like this that she wishes her mother was still around.

~ 

When she is eventually encouraged to begin her confinement early, as a result of her being really rather young to be having her first child, she finds she has rather a lot of time on her hands to think. She has firmly resolved not to worry about the potential complications with the birth – she is quite certain that she will be able to manage it, after all she is young and strong. It is nothing she can’t handle, surely.

Instead, she sets about conjuring up names for the child. She suspects that if it is a girl Alfred would quite like to name her after the queen, out of respect and friendship, and if it is a boy then perhaps it might be nice to name him after her father, or maybe Alfred’s, although she has never heard him speak of his father.

It is as she is pondering such things that she comes up with what she thinks is a rather wonderful idea.  She wants to name the baby Edward, if it is a boy, after Alfred’s poor dead friend. It would be a lovely tribute to his memory, she thinks.

Alfred, it seems, is not of the same opinion. He refuses, quietly at first, and then, after Cecelia continues to push the issue, he shouts, and storms out of the room.

~ 

It is a girl anyway.

~

When Cecelia finds herself pregnant again she wonders if she can endure another childbirth. Once was horrific enough, and yet she knows she must produce more than one heir, ideally a male one at some point.

Victoria must have siblings, after all.

~

Despite having two young children, Cecelia finds that the rift between her and Alfred only seems to have grown. He is constantly away, and hardly speaks to her even when he is home, listening only to her stories of the children and their antics. It is as though she has ceased to be his wife in becoming a mother.

~

Cecelia snaps one day, berating Alfred for being so cruel to her. Perhaps he does not mean it, she says, but she feels constantly lonely, and she longs for those winter mornings when they would talk about novels and walk in the gardens, instead of living their lives as these strange new people they seem to have become.

Such outbursts are not ladylike, and she is surprised Alfred does not so much as raise his voice when she finishes. Instead he apologises, and takes her into his arms when she begins to cry. There is much she does not understand, he tells her.

~

When Cecelia gets pregnant again, Alfred tentatively suggests that maybe, if the child is a boy, they could name him Edward, like she had suggested some years ago. 

It is a peace offering, a step towards rebuilding a friendship, at the very least.

~

Cecelia has a miscarriage.

It seems rather a cruel reminder of the fate of Alfred’s friend, so the idea of naming a child after Edward is thrown out completely.

~

It is not until several years later, after the death of their eldest daughter tears a hole in their idealistic family, that Alfred finally opens up to her.

He tells her everything, because she has proven herself to be a true friend, and to be loyal and good to him even when he is anything but. So Alfred tells her of Edward Drummond, of who he was, and how he loved him, and how he lost him. He tells Cecelia of years of teasing and flirting, of a perfect kiss in front of the setting sun, of a fiancée who stood between them. He begins to cry as he recounts the story of the argument he had with Edward, and the evening he waited alone for hours hoping he might come, and the letter informing him of Edward’s passing, and the sheer monstrosity of the funeral. Cecelia takes her husband into her arms and holds him until his tears soak through her bodice. 

Cecelia realises now the truth behind their marriage. A sham, that is all it has ever been. She does not let him see how it breaks her heart to know he will never love her as she loves him.

How many more men are like him, she wonders, and how many are forced to marry and have children and leave or lose their lovers as her husband has. It is a tragic way of living, she thinks, and Alfred has certainly endured enough.

She makes it her mission, therefore, to make him happy. Perhaps he will mourn his lover forever – she now understands why she has never seen him in colours other than grey and black and white – but she can certainly offer him comfort, and companionship.

~

They live out their days as good friends, though Cecelia never stops loving the man she met at a ball many years ago, and the man who recites Rossetti and Keats and Tennyson to her from memory with a smile all those years later.

He passes away in 1888 with a smile on his face, and she knows precisely why. He will be with Edward now, wherever he ends up, of that she is quite sure. She was never enough for him, much as it pains her to think, for he had already gifted his heart to a man who lay six feet under the earth when she met him.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked this! i took so many liberties with the characters of cecelia and maria it's unreal and i got so invested in creating their characters to fit them into this framework that i'm now resisting the urge to give maria a fic of her own.
> 
> i tried to stick to actual dates and facts as much as possible but i did have to improvise a little. maria's timeline is totally accurate, and cecelia's is mostly accurate although there was no evidence of a miscarriage i could find - i incorporated it because i wanted the idea of naming a child after edward and i guess i wanted that to hurt even more... man, i'm sorry...
> 
> anyway i'm rambling now so i'll stop, but that's me done with this series as i'd planned it. if you have any other suggestions for povs i could cover then let me know and i'll get planning! 
> 
> thank you <3


End file.
